Sunday Thoughts

I often struggle with what to share on the blog. Where do I draw the line between "personal" and "TMI?" I know I'm not much of a lifestyle blogger. My posts mainly consist of outfit pictures and beauty routines with a little bit of business updates mixed in. But sometimes, I get bored with all that and want to talk about something different. Sometimes I can't get thoughts off my mind, and they aren't exactly proper dinner conversations, so I need another outlet. So here we go. Feel free to read, or feel free to wait for my next fashion post and completely disregard this post altogether. No hard feelings.

Ice Queen. A name I've been called multiple times over the years. I'm not sure who exactly was the first to dub the nickname, but whoever it was lacked creativity. Nevertheless, it's a name I've been given, and a name that just won't go away. I suppose to an extent the name is appropriate. I don't cry often, if at  all. I've never had a serious relationship, and PDA usually makes me want to throw up. Babies don't make happy; instead, they just make me uncomfortable. I don't like hugs or cuddling, and holding hands usually makes my palms clammy and gross. So I get how I could come off as a cold person to some people. Trying to pin point an exact moment that caused this personality flaw is as difficult as trying to get this name to go away completely. I can't remember just one moment, but instead, a whole string of moments. My mother says that even as a toddler, I was content just to play by myself. I've never really needed people, and I was okay with that.

Growing up, I was picked on a good bit. I went to a small private Christian school, and while some may believe the students would be nicer in that setting, that unfortunately wasn't the case. I was always too tall, or too skinny, or too ugly, or too shy. Then when high school hit, I was supposed to start growing boobs and liking boys, but I was always a little slower in that department than all my friends. I felt my friendships getting weaker and my insecurities getting stronger. I let people's words and actions get the best of me, and I allowed the world to make me hard.

In turn, I took this attitude to college, and for awhile kept most people at arm's length. I let very few people in, and those that I did, I almost always ended up regretting. I ruined a lot of could be relationships with great guys because my Tin Man complex reared his ugly head. It took me until junior year of college to realize that something needed to change. I was so negative and so bitter and so numb to the world, and I didn't want to be that way anymore. I began to claw my way out of the hole I had dug.

I'm now 23 years old, and I can honestly say I'm a very different girl than I was in the past. I'm still not 100% there, and some days I can feel myself slipping back into the shell of the person I was with my eye rolls and snarky comments, but I know it's a process. I have to grow, and I have to learn. I feel like I wasted so many years hiding what I felt and what I thought because I didn't want to be subjected to people's cruel words or rejection. But that's life. Not everyone is going to like me. Not everyone is going to want to be my friend. But that's okay. The world is a beautiful place, and I hate that it took me so long to realize it.